


Waste Not, Want Not

by Carmarthen, motetus



Category: Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Epistolary, Gen, Humor, Illustrated, Military, Sanitation, Science Fiction, Worldbuilding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-08-11 15:34:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7898200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmarthen/pseuds/Carmarthen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/motetus/pseuds/motetus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Imperial Sanitation Specialist Yaran Avoset discovers a jam in Death Star garbage compactor 3263827. His superior is not amused. Fortunately, a resourceful man can go far in the Imperial Navy.</p><p>Or, how the Death Star got dianogas.</p><p>Words by Carmarthen, art by motetus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Waste Not, Want Not

**Author's Note:**

> I'm pretty sure this is taenia's fault; I made them give me useful beta suggestions, though.
> 
> Not old expanded universe-compliant, as I prefer to make up my own silly biology.

**DISCLIPLINARY REPORT**

DATE: Primeday 16 Corus, 17 AFGE  
DUTY STATION: Death Star, Level AA Barracks  
REPORTING OFFICER: Lt. Willett, Tianona  
OFFICER IN CHARGE: Capt. Pluver, Rothan

INFRACTION: Trooper RB-1925 found with unauthorized organism during routine inspection.

CORRECTIVE ACTION: RB-1925 to compete mandatory video training on the dangers of alien organisms introduced to a closed environment. Bar chit suspended for fourteen (14) shifts.

RESOLUTION: Unauthorized organism disposed of.

* * *

**MEMO**

FROM: Sgt. Maj. Krane, Jakab  
TO: Spec. 1st Class Avoset, Yaran  
DATE: Centaxday 27 Ventosus, 19 AFGE

Avoset:

There's a jam in garbage compactor 3263827 on level AA-23. That detention block is almost empty right now and generating low waste load so it's not urgent, but please resolve when you have a spare moment.

KRANE

* * *

AVOSETY29: re the jam in compactor 3263827: good news and bad news, sir.  
KRANEJ78: what's the good news?  
AVOSETY29: I found the cause and it's resolved, at least for now.  
KRANEJ78: I don't like the sound of "for now," Spec.  
AVOSETY29: it appears to be an organism, sir. several organisms, actually, these long slimy things with eyes on the end, tangled up in a ball. the ball was blocking one of the capacity sensors.  
KRANEJ78: tell me you removed them.  
KRANEJ78: tentacle monsters in my garbage compactor are not acceptable.  
AVOSETY29: I know, sir. popped them in the hazardous waste incinerator just to be safe.  
KRANEJ78: so what's the bad news?  
AVOSETY29: I think I've seen these before. a holo, I mean. in a xenobiological sanitation workshop at my last post.  
KRANEJ78: ...and?  
AVOSETY29: I'm not sure we're going to get rid of them that easily.  
KRANEJ78: just what we need, with Grand Moff Tarkin scheduled for an inspection next week.  
KRANEJ78: all right, find out what they are and shoot me a message with the options ASAP.

* * *

FROM: avosety29@deathstar.navy.gal "Spec. Avoset, Yaran"  
TO: kranej78@deathstar.navy.gal "Sgt. Maj. Krane, Jakab"  
DATE: Zhellday 29 Ventosus, 19 AFGE  
SUBJECT: Dianogas

Sgt. Krane,

I searched all the pest management literature on the organisms in compactor 3263827, and it's not looking good, sir. These things are basically impossible to eradicate.

Avoset

BACKGROUND: The Common Swamp Dianoga ( _Dianoga magnifica var. splendens_ Nia-Tae) is a legless, single-eyed semi-aquatic organism native to Vodran. A coating of slime protects it from hazardous chemical exposure in the environment.

BIOLOGY: Dianogas possess both lungs and the ability to absorb oxygen through their skin, allowing them to function in a range of environments, although in their natural habitat they prefer swamps. Fully grown, they can reach a length of up to 10 meters. Their legless body is muscular, powerful, and coated with protective slime. Diet is diverse, ranging from organic detritus and food waste to small prey.

REPRODUCTION AND GROWTH: All dianogas are female and reproduce asexually, but individuals may congregate in a "mating ball" prior to release of larvae. Current research suggests that the stroking of other dianogas induces muscular contractions that stimulate self-fertilization. A dianoga reaches reproductive maturity at one year of age and thereafter releases a clutch of 40-60 larvae once or twice a year, depending on available resources. Larvae are opportunistic feeders and may resort to cannibalism in a closed environment. They are nearly microscopic and resistant to all known pesticides, and can survive hard vacuum for short periods of time by entering a dormant state. Dianogas grow rapidly, reaching full adult size within 3-4 Galactic Standard Years.

BEHAVIOR: Larval dianogas are free-swimming scavengers, but can glue themselves to substrates to resist being swept away by currents. As they grow larger, dianogas also hunt small prey. Fully-grown adult dianogas are extremely territorial and have occasionally been known to attack sentients. They are solitary except during reproductive periods.

PEST CONTROL: Short of entirely emptying an area and exposing it to hard vacuum for several days, dianoga infestations can only be managed, not eliminated. Even in when extreme measures are taken, dianogas may recolonize from larvae secreted in vents, ducts, and other nooks and crannies impossible to fully sterilize. Consequently, dianogas are now an invasive organism in multiple star systems, often introduced via stowaways on starships, where they can hide in maintenance vents and garbage compactors for years before they are noticed.

* * *

FROM: kranej78@deathstar.navy.gal "Sgt. Maj. Krane, Jakab"  
TO: wouldkok@deathstar.navy.gal "Sgt. Wouldkok, Bo"  
DATE: Benduday 30 Ventosus, 19 AFGE  
SUBJECT: Fwd: Dianogas

Wouldkok:

WHY THE KRIFFING HELL ARE THERE DIANOGAS IN MY GARBAGE COMPACTOR? Was I not EXCRUCIATINGLY CLEAR after the rossorworms in the vents that contraband organisms are to be **properly** disposed of, by which I mean killed and promptly incinerated, not flushed down the kriffing toilet, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE AQUATIC? Are you still showing new recruits the _Only YOU Can Prevent Invasive Species_ infovid like I instructed? Did you stress that this can be a matter of life and death? GodDAMN.

Further reprimand to occur when I can shout at you properly.

KRANE

* * *

FROM: avosety29@deathstar.navy.gal "Spec. Avoset, Yaran"  
TO: kranej78@deathstar.navy.gal "Sgt. Maj. Krane, Jakab"  
DATE: Primeday 31 Ventosus, 19 AFGE  
SUBJECT: Attached: What Can Dianogas Do For You?

Sgt. Krane,

I also found this information brochure. I guess we could try to think of this as an opportunity, sir. Fresh meat might even be good for morale. I have a good fried squidfish recipe from my grandma that might work for dianoga. Enough hot sauce and I expect no one will be able to tell.

Avoset

* * *

**WHAT CAN DIANOGAS DO FOR YOU?**

_Dianoga Aquaculture for Municipal Planning (DAMP)_

Dianogas in your waste system giving you grief? While many view these slithering serpentiforms as nothing but common pests, dianogas have much to offer for the municipal planner. Learn to live in harmony with dianogas and reap the benefits of a cleaner, greener galaxy!

LOW TECH RESOURCE RECOVERY  
Dianogas will eat just about anything! They're great for pretreatment of waste, especially for developing worlds with limited access to technological resource. Use dianogas to extract every scrap of organic nutrients from your trash - they're low-maintenance, and since they're also cannibalistic and territorial, you'll never have more than your waste stream can support!

WASTE SEPARATION  
Droids keep getting gummed up? Don't want to expose sentients to toxic chemicals? Dianogas are hardy and resistant to organic poisons, inorganic poisons. Put a few dianogas in your single-stream recycling collection facility and you'll never have to worry about a leftover nerfsteak sandwich clogging the recycling loader or pesky toxic exposure lawsuits again.

VERMIN CONTROL  
You'll never have to worry about rossorworms or radarks again. Dianogas aren't just scavengers, but efficient predators of small prey, encoiling it and dissolving it with digestive enzymes excreted from a special patch on the underside so it can be absorbed. No muss, no fuss!

TASTY FOOD SOURCE  
Dianoga meat is said to be similar to squidfish, surprisingly mild and tender when breaded and deep-fried, with only a faint seafood flavor, easily covered with spices and sauces. It may also be used as raw material for protein extraction.

VERSATILE SYMBIOSIS  
Dianogas aren't just the municipal planner's best friend - they can also form an integral synergistic component of a starship's waste management system, as well as providing welcome fresh food for the troops. Once introduced, they require no feeding or maintenance.

* * *

FROM: kranej78@deathstar.navy.gal "Sgt. Maj. Krane, Jakab"  
TO: avosety29@deathstar.navy.gal "Spec. Avoset, Yaran"  
DATE: Primeday 31 Ventosus, 19 AFGE  
SUBJECT: Re: What Can Dianogas Do For You?

Avoset:

Come to my office at 1300 and we'll decide how to message this up the chain.

KRANE

* * *

REQUISITION ORDER

FROM: Catering Station BB-09  
DATE: Primeday 6 Germinus, 19 AFGE  
DUTY LOCATION: Death Star, Command Block

URGENT - NEEDED FOR COMMAND INSPECTION WELCOME BANQUET - URGENT

ITEMS

3 liters hot sauce (Lando's Bespin Butt Burner preferred)  
2 crates Alderaani lemons  
27 kg pre-crumbled breading mix  
600 liters frying oil

* * *

FROM: kranej78@deathstar.navy.gal "Sgt. Maj. Krane, Jakab"  
TO: avosety29@deathstar.navy.gal "Spec. Avoset, Yaran"  
DATE: Benduday 30 Ventosus, 19 AFGE  
SUBJECT: Command banquet

Specialist Avoset:

Just wanted to let you know that the Grand Moff specifically commended your grandmother's fried squidfish recipe, with the locally produced substitute you suggested. Excellent work. Your creativity and resourcefulness have been noted.

KRANE

* * *

FROM: avosety29@deathstar.navy.gal "Spec. Avoset, Yaran"  
TO: kitchenwizard@hyperspacemail.com "Marianara Avoset"  
DATE: Taungsday 3 Thermonus, 19 AFGE  
SUBJECT: Holiday plans and my promotion!!

Dear Grandma,

I will be coming home for the holidays after all, as I've received a promotion to Senior Sanitation Specialist (that means I am responsible for all the garbage compactors and protein extractors on the CENSORED of the CENSORED and also I give new troopers the lecture about the dangers of CENSORED, which is a very important lecture). Sgt. Maj. Krane says we're not getting new trainees until next month, so he'll approve me for leave. You should expect my bonus in your account at the next pay period.

I recently passed your fried squidfish recipe to Catering, and they made a version for a banquet for the top brass with a great substitute we grew ourselves in the CENSORED. Life in the Navy sure requires CENSORED and creativity! I got to taste-test the fried CENSORED and it was pretty good, but of course it wasn't as good as yours. Grand Moff CENSORED liked it, though, and Sgt. Maj. Krane said I've done more for morale on this CENSORED than anyone else since the bar chit policy was implemented. I have attached a holopic from the banquet.

See you soon!

Love,

Yaran

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, literally every character in this is named after a misspelled bird.
> 
> -the day names are official (lol)  
> -the month names I invented, mostly based on French Revolution month names (taenia's idea)  
> -the year chronology is After the Founding of the Galactic Empire because no one at this point is gonna be dating things to the Battle of Yavin, which hasn't yet occured  
> -credit to taenia for Lando's Bespin Butt Burner and also the dianoga's scientific name  
> - _Dianoga magnifica var. splendens_ : taxonomist Nia-Tae was **really** excited about dianogas, okay
> 
> [Announcement post on Tumblr](http://carmarthenfan.tumblr.com/post/149618095928/fic-waste-not-want-not-star-wars-g-dianoga) if you want to reblog.


End file.
